December 1, 2006

Engaged couples retreats offer opportunity to focus on married life

Fran Rajotte, Tennessee Register

Planning for a wedding can take months, even a year or more, but it can also prevent couples from focusing on the importance of the sacrament of the marriage itself.

That is why the Diocese of Nashville offers monthly engaged couples retreats, affording them an opportunity to take “time out” to be with married couples and other engaged couples, as they discuss the importance of their life together in a sacramental relationship.

“It is day set apart so that couples can reflect on marriage plans rather than wedding plans,” said Patty Gaines, diocesan coordinator of engaged couples retreats.

In fact, due to busy schedules of young couples, the diocese is making it easier than ever for them to sign up for the retreat by offering online registration.

“We did this as a convenience to try to meet the needs of engaged couples,” said Gaines. “We received a request from couples attending the retreat to offer this service, and we take the evaluations and suggestions seriously.”

The online registration was launched on Oct. 17.

“The retreats are always full,” said Gaines, “with approximately 30-35 couples participating.”

The retreats are held monthly, on Saturdays, at Scarritt-Bennett Center in Nashville, with the exception of May and December. Cost is $100 per couple and includes materials, continental breakfast, coffee breaks and lunch.

The day begins with an opening prayer and welcome, talks on Myers-Briggs Personality Types, Communication, and Finance. After reflection time, the couples break for lunch.  Afternoon sessions include talks on Natural Family Planning, Intimacy, Sacramentality/Spirituality, and an exercise in prayer.

Couples gain insights and better appreciation of themselves and their intended partners, Gaines said. In addition, couples will better understand what the covenant of sacramental marriage truly means.

Teams of married couples from several Nashville area parishes lead the talks during the retreats. There are six couples on a team. Participating parishes currently include: Good Shepherd, Decherd; Cathedral of the Incarnation, Nashville; St. Matthew, Franklin; Our Lady of the Lake, Hendersonville; St. Phillip, Franklin; St. Stephen, Hermitage; and Holy Family, Brentwood.

“We also provide team development, and married couples of all ages and lengths of marriage are invited to be a part of this ministry,” said Gaines. “I see couples really hungry for being a part of a ministry as couples.”

Father Mark Beckman, pastor of St. Matthew, said, “Ministry to engaged couples is an important and on-going ministry as couples prepare to enter the Sacrament of Marriage. It is a joy working with our marriage preparation team and seeing all the effort and commitment they put into preparing young people, and sometimes older, for marriage.”

St. Matthew has an active engaged couples team, and each year the team and all the couples who have participated are invited to a Home Mass and celebration at the home of Taffy and Jerry Armbruster. 

“I am especially grateful to Taffy and Gerry, who have led and supported this ministry for many years,” Father Beckman said.

Interfaith and Catholic couples participate in the teams. “There are at least one or two couples who were not both Catholic at the time of their marriage, and there is one couple who has been remarried,” Gaines said. “We see this as a real integration of life. In real life we have a mix of all couples together dealing with a variety of issues. We need to try to understand each other’s stories. It is a good way to start.”

David and Geralyn Heller of St. Matthew Church are an interfaith couple, who give the Sacramentality/Spirituality Talk.

“Preparing a talk on spirituality and sacramentality of marriage is an intimate time of reflection on our marriage,” said Geralyn Heller. “This is an exercise in individuality and unity of the couple.”

It is an opportunity for the Hellers to give witness to their marriage blending the spiritual gifts God has given them, Gerlayn Heller said.

“Being an interfaith couple, we are able to say, ‘You can do it and here are some of the things we have done to share with you,’” Heller said. 

“Faith in God and the spirituality of one’s own marriage will give you the grace to succeed. It is not always easy. Grace in the sacrament of marriage gives strength where there is no other strength,” she said.

Patti and TA Smith are team members at Holy Family Church, who served on the November retreat, pulling together a new team for the first time. 

“It is a way of giving back,” said TA Smith. “It lets them know that what they are going through is typical. It’s not the wedding, it’s the marriage,” he said. “It allows the engaged couples to step back from the wedding planning and reassess their relationship and what they mean to each other.”

The experience is fun, Smith said. “We have such a good marriage ourselves. It lets us showcase what we have.”

“With other married couples sharing their stories and life experiences, it validates what we go through. With a lot of compromise, you can do anything!” said Patti Smith.

Team members indicate they get more out of serving on the team than what they perceive they give.

Father William Bevington, pastor of Our Lady of the Lake Church in Hendersonville, said his experience with the engaged couples retreat is a very positive one.

“Almost every couple I have prepared has told me how much they liked it, perhaps because it was different from what they expected. Some thought they would be told what is right and wrong. Instead they found that very generous and open married couples gave them the lessons they had learned from their own experience, and virtually all the challenges of marriage were covered,” Father Bevington said.

Philip Johnson is a parishioner of Good Shepherd parish, and he and his wife, Caroline, have served on the team for the past two years.

“It’s an opportunity to share some of the joy of our marriage with others. In return, we’re always inspired by the couples we meet in our small discussion group. Their optimism and enthusiasm are contagious, and we’ve been impressed as well by how seriously they take the commitment they’re about to make,” said Johnson.

“It’s also a great opportunity to discuss what we’ve learned in our marriage, and, hopefully, to provide a perspective to the engaged couples on what to expect as their lives proceed together. Like us, they’re going to experience their share of sorrow, and even tragedy, in the years ahead, and what I think all of us from our parish try to emphasize is that there’s nothing they can’t weather if they’re fully engaged with each other, and both of  them are fully engaged with Christ.

“It won’t always be easy, and it won’t always be joyful, but they’ll never be alone. That’s what a sacramental marriage is all about,” he said. “All of or team members relate this to the couples by discussing the laughter and the tears they’ve shared together over the years.”

Gaines said that the talks give an opportunity for couples to share their stories.

“We’re not experts,” she said. “All of us are in it for the long haul. We believe in the grace of the sacrament of marriage. By telling our stories, they may ring true someday and they will be able to weave it in with Catholic facts.”

Through this process, Gaines hopes people will come away with a better understanding of themselves, and talk about issues a little more. 

“We also want them to know there is a bigger community that cares,” Gaines said.

For more information about engaged couples retreats, and to register online, visit the website at www.dioceseofnashville.com/encoupretreat, or call Ministry Formation Services at 615-783-0283 or 1-800-273-0256.